WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
