Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
