when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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