I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I love having hate sex.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
