your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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