Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
