you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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