I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
