well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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