My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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