I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
