The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
