Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
