I'm so fucking centered right now
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
