I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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