My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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