Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
