My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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