This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
