i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
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She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
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I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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