Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me