she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
