Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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