there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
