You don't have asthma, your pregnant
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
