He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
