So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
