i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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