Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
