I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
