Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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