Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
