I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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