I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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