Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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