That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
