last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
