im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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