Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
