The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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