seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
