from now on my penis is your penis
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
