I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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