There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
