But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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