This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i may or may not be watching the land before time
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
