My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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