if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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