there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
