So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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