Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
