That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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