I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
