I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
