I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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