I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
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