I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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