I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
