So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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